Welcome to Innanetiquette, folks! I’m gonna take the time out of my busy schedule to feed you fine specimens of humanity a spoonful of sugar to help the Innanets go down smooth.
Without further ado, here’s the first lesson: Hyperlinking Hyper-onus!
Something Found …
I want to think back to the last time you found something so super exciting that you just absolutely had to tell everyone you knew. It’s a good feeling, right? You just know you’re about to enrich the lives of all the thousands of your Facebook friends!
That’s where we hit our first problem: nobody cares about the shit you found in the blagosphere.
No one.
Sure, people enjoy stuff that’s funny or interesting, but they don’t care that you found it hi-larious or breathtaking. So when you pop up as a little bit of text, and maybe a picture, on someone’s screen telling them that they just have to see this new goat fetish site you found, they’re probably going to put bits of duct tape over that part of their screen and pretend that it’s always been there.
hay guys look wut i found in the innanetz!
So in this case, the onus is on you, Professor Goat Fetishist, to do all the leg work for that lazy S.O.B. you call a friend. Figure out exactly what you want the person to see and make it as easy for them to see it as possible, then send them the link to that fancy new fritter recipe. No googling, logging in, subscribing, dancing, or eldritch rituals should be required on Lazy S.O.B.’s part.
OMG Help! …
Ever noticed how awesome your friend Vincenzo is at being a giant douchebag? Ever wished that she would help you master such seemingly-unatainable levels of douche? So you decide to pee hero-worship into the wind and ask the lady how it’s done.
Vicenzo. You know its a girl cause o the pink shirt.
But then the words start coming, followed swiftly by the acronyms, and topped by Vinnie’s hefty grimace of distaste as your brain flails wildly at trying to absorb so much new information! However will you learn if you can’t understand what V-dawg-for-lizzle is spewing out her mouth-hole?! Clearly the only way to understand is to demand an explanation of each syllable.
No! Bad newbie!
When you find a word you don’t understand: google it! When you see a sequence of letters that just doesn’t add up to threeve: google it! When you just can’t stand not knowing the glory that is tubgirl: DO NOT GOOGLE IT! It’s a trap!
Only after you’ve made an attempt to find the information yourself, and failed miserably, should you ask your guru about jargon! Unless they’ve tricked you into paying somehow, they’re doing this as a favour (because you blackmailed them using tubgirl), so don’t make them cover information you can easily look up yourself.
16 April - 2009 at 3:47 pm
Dude I totally found this sweet goat fetish site, by the way. Go to www(dot)… no, wait, sorry that’s actually http(colon)//www(dot)goatdongleOMGZ(dot)co(dot(uk)/fetish/4353df46?.html
Then you just have to take like thirty seconds to create an account – you just need to like fill out all of your personal details and write a 4,000 word essay explaining why you love goats and then draw a picture of what you would do if you had a goat to yourself for a few hours and then take a quick multiple choice quiz and then there’s an optional survey to help improve the quality of the goat porn.
It costs $35/month but you can subscribe and get the first 12 hours free and then all you have to do is cancel the subscription by writing an e-mail to their customer service people who will forward it on to account management who will get in touch with you and get you to confirm all of your information and send her a scanned copy of your driver’s license, social insurance number, and passport and then if you pay the marginal fee of $27 she will cancel your subscription.
Once you’re in, search their database for “mountain goat manatee mixups” and then go to the sixth page and find the video, I don’t remember what it’s called but it was uploaded by BillyGoatsGruff666, and then skip to 6:17 mins in and check it out!!!
Dude it’s like totally the most awesomest thing ever.