Mess’rs Steven Gould, David Goyer, Simon Kinberg, and Jim Uhls,

You, young sires, have some explaining to do. When I heard that someone was making a film named Jumper, I was overcome with joy! At last my dreams of seeing Jumper: The Chronicles of Molly Weasley come to the big screen, skipping my production of it on paper entirely, I was ever so excited.

It didn’t take long, however, for details of your plans to reach my ears. Whispers in the dark of genetics, teleportation, and epic battles. Not entirely out of the norm for Mrs. Weasley, I suppose, but something didn’t seem quite right. Then the information took more tangible form, and I was aghast to see that you weren’t making a documentary about everyone’s favourite sassy, witch mother with a penchant for knitting; no you were creating some sort of malformed sci-fi film with out-of-work Star Wars actors!

Dashed was the dream of hearing about Mrs. Weasley and the story of how she taught Ron and Ginny to belly dance, the tale of her first knit sweater, and the epic of her days with the original Order of the Phoenix!

Well, I’m not one to cry over spilt milk; you may have taken the name, but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. So with that in mind, I investigated further the nature of your blockbuster-in-training.

The most obvious thing which springs to mind, as previously stated, is that two prominent figures in the film are portrayed by actors who’ve worked together before. Yes, this film brings together Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu again, and on opposing sides. Where, then, is the compulsory, incrementally more epic light-saber dual? If I see a jedi knight and a sith lord come together, I expect to hear the hum of their blades as they clash in some obscene fight scene! I suppose you did have a fight scene or two between them, but you had a golden opportunity to mix “jumping” with light-sabers and the force; maybe it wouldn’t have been canon, but it would have been more legendary than Harry Potter riding Godzilla into Albania and having him eat Voldemort and Mothra while Molly watches from a safe distance with her family — a dream sequence from Jumper: TCoMW, by the way.

Next up? Mary. Anakin’s mother was clearly named Shmee, not Mary. Also, how would you expect her to up and leave her family, without notifying anyone — including these Paladins — and then manage to get remarried with a child without anyone checking for past marriage licenses? That would require some sort of mass incompetency in the US government, something on its own epic scale; you expect us to believe that? Please.

How about Griffin, then? Here’s a nice, young Scottish man who’s set out to take down all of the Paladins, and admits that it doesn’t take much to stop him, yet he’s unwilling to accept help from a fellow Jumper? For that matter, the obvious choice of action for any idiot would be to take Anakin on as his student, and teach him how not to be such a dumbass! Furthermore, what’s up with him tracking Anakin for the past 10 years? Clearly Anakin himself had only found out about the Force 8 years ago! Come on, guys, it’s not that hard.

I think now is a good time to discuss your failure to uphold the glory of Mace Windu. The man is a jedi master, and one of the greatest jedi swordsmen of all time, and he spends his time fiddling with a dinky knife to finish off the Jumpers? I mean, if he would just bust out the 9-mil that he’s kept on his person since Pulp Fiction, he could have popped some caps in various asses and the movie would have been done much earlier, giving you more of an excuse for the lack of light-saber battles!

In conclusion and summation: I feel personally offended by your failure to pursue the true potential of the name Jumper in this film. As a native citizen of Canadia I demand a forced, written apology, and a Mars bar as compensation! Oh, and maybe some cake or a nice pastry. Something with powdered sugar and strawberries.

Sincerely,

Kibz